Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
We had sex on a dog bed..
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
