I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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