Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I love you.
Bad choice
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
