We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
