my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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