you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
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