I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
