I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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