4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
