we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
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