I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling