I think my vagina is haunted
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
