when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
