part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
