Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Randomize
