i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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