you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
