not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
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