i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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