Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I wish there were birth control emojis
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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