but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
