i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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