Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
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