I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
