my phone needs a breathalizer
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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