He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
