did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
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