hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
