i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
