I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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