Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
I'm eating all of the evidence.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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