jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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