true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I'm too high and old for this...
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