We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
