Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
