Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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