I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Randomize
