I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
