well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Randomize
