you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
home. puking in laundry basket.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
