I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize