my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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