I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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