My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
