How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
