my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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