Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Randomize
