Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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