So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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