I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
