Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
