I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
