dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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