Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
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