I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
