words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
