First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
