You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
