Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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